Give me the attitude of Christ

~~~I do not want you to be uninformed, dear friends, about the hardships I suffered in the province of Asia. Indeed, away from you and feeling so alone, my heart felt the sentence of death. BUT THIS HAPPENED THAT I MIGHT NOT RELY ON MYSELF BUT ON GOD, WHO RAISES THE DEAD.

He HAS delivered me from even more such deadly peril before, and He WILL deliver me. On Him I have set my hope that He WILL CONTINUE to deliver me, AS YOU HELP ME BY YOUR PRAYERS. Then MANY WILL GIVES THANKS on my behalf for the GRACIOUS FAVOR GRANTED me IN ANSWER TO THE PRAYERS OF MANY."~~~

~2 Cor. 1:8-11 (paraphrase & emphasis, mine)

Ok~~~So after last night, I really felt I needed to take some time today to share my array of emotions as I have been living here in Seoul for the last 3 weeks. Some of you know some of what has been going on, and to many of you, this will be a surprise/new news, but my first three weeks are not what I would call "floating on cloud 9" for me. First, do not get me wrong, I have had a LOT of fun here and explored many parts of Seoul, but inside, I have been struggling, which is not something I expected (making it even harder). I expected I would get here and it would be like a vacation at first~~everything new and exciting and lost in the hype of everything. On the contrary (ok, yes, I HAVE been amazed at HOW BIG SEOUL IS and how COOOOOOOL it is here but...), I have had a hard time adjusting for many reasons. At the moment, I've been feeling out of place and lonely. It's amazing how, in such a big and busy city as Seoul, one can feel lonely. Seemed like such a paradox as I thought about it.


First of all, I am in a 5-week Korean Immersion Program (KIP) here, and I feel sort out of place because I am one of the older people in the program. Most of the students here are in college (some even in HS) and see this more as one big party in Seoul for the summer. This just is not me. They also seem to have a lot more money too. I want to go and explore and eat out and spend money (which I did do WAY too much the first couple weeks here and am paying for it, no pun intended). I am here with what little savings I have, and it has to last me until Sept. 25th when I get my first paycheck. Let me tell you, after having to pay for the plane ticket to Japan (way more than I thought), it was a HUGE chunk out of my assumed budget. So, that was getting me down too. I want to go out with friends, but I also have to remember that I will be living in Korea for awhile, so I can always come visit Seoul some other time. This is also something that hit me: I AM LIVING IN  KOREA FOR AWHILE. This is my new home. That is so entirely weird to think about. Unlike for all my friends in this program, this is not some temporary summer vacation and then back to my daily life and friends and activities. THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. One day I was walking and said to myself, "Dang, Laura! You just moved half-way across the world by yourself to live and teach. WHat were you thinking??!?!!" ㅋㅋㅋㅋ (Said jokingly, of course! ^_~) 


Last week, I just got to the point where I just wanted to move into my apartment and get settled into Gyeongbuk~~get to know the area, make some friends, decorate my own permanent living space (and not some dorm where I'm living out of my suitcase), enjoy COOKING!!! (I MISS IT SOOOOO MUCH!!!!), etc. I was tired of the temporary and soooo bored with language classes. Not being challenged in language classes was really getting me down. I was extremely bored the first week because I already knew the alphabet, and then last week, I knew a lot of the phrases already because I had been studying online on my own before I came. I did learn some vocab words, but still. If you know me well, and yes, Mother, I can just imagine you shaking your head in agreement right now (and to my other music friends~~think me in Parsons' classes...yeah, like that, except these teachers are WAY cool), you would know that I--despite how my lack of common sense and somewhat ditsy-ness may come off--am actually kind of smart lol If I am not challenged in a class, I will not do well. I cannot take "bird classes," as they are called (so easy that you can fly over them and pass)~~if I am not challenged to use deeper parts of my brain and work for answers and personal discovery, I tune out and can't focus and become somewhat "annoyed" by the class and lose all motivation to try. For a language that I once LOVED and lOVED discovering new words and using them, I came to dislike it because of the boring classes (for me) which made me lose interest. (Now do not get me wrong, I LOVE my teachers, ALL of them, and the class level IS right for those people who had no prior experience with Korean, but I did, and so it's been hard.) 


And so....all this sort of getting me down, not feeling attached to a Church group (although I have gone to Yoido Full Gospel Church Int'l Service the last 2 Sundays since I've been here, I wonder if I will still be able to somehow catch a bus from wherever I am in Gyeongbuk and still be able to go on Sundays or not or whether there will be an Int'l Service nearby where I will be), and then just really missing everyone back home and wishing I had them all here to be with~~~~well, it was all really getting me down, and I was so sad. I was upset that I felt this way, upset at myself for letting myself get this way, upset and wondering where happy, bubbly Laura went. Satan was really using this transition as a way to try to get at me, and I recognized it, but I didn't know what to do to get away from it. I felt like I was back in HS while here at KIP with all the younger people and drama and just wanting to party and drink and who likes who drama. Satan was trying to use this to make me feel insecure again. All of that has been behind me, so why bring it  back to surface? Yes, I admit, I used to party and drink and get myself in trouble (sorry, mom), but through Christ, that person is NOT me anymore. It is so true that it is easier when you surround yourself with positive people and Christians/friends who will lift you up. But what happens when you are surrounded by people who are NOT uplifting? WHo are not Christians? Who are only interested in the things of this world??? These things are not uncommon to man, no matter where in the world you are. Let me tell you a little secret, that is not really so secret~~~And here is what God has been speaking to me all along. In a quite whisper over the last 3 weeks JUST when I needed that grace and peace, and finally quite loudly last night, just when I was having one of the hardest times (talking with the program director, etc. with school and classes).

~~~He reminded me of what it is to be a Disciple for the Lord and that His WOrds are true and a comfort in our times of need.~~

 Being sent out as an apostle of the Lord, these are the things I should be expecting and be praising Jesus for! DUH! If I am to be the example and light of Christ, I will have to be in the WOrd THAT much more and thirsting for Him. I have to be in prayer THAT much more to stay in communion with Him against the attacks of Satan. Satan is scared, people. He KNOWS God has a big purpose for me here, and he is scared. He is scared of the souls that will be won back for Christ. He is scared of the Hope that I have and the determination and strength. I allowed his thoughts to begin to seep in, but NO MORE! If God is for me, what is there against me that I should fear? I prayed and prayed and prayed last night. I wanted a heart change. I took back all of the ground that Satan had begun to capture, in the name of the Lord. I warned Satan that EVERY THOUGHT was going to be taken captive and sorted out before I let it get ANYWHERE. I prayed for a renewed heart. Being upset and down is a choice, I said, just as being happy is a choice. I choose to be happy, NOW. I have hated the distant, unmotivated person I am in class, sad that it is the only person some classmates are seeing. Is that the example of Christ I want to be? Lord, I want to put on the attitude of Christ!
So many times along my way here, I have felt alone, but in the still whisper, you have been speaking to me! Whether it was the kind word from a friend (shout out to my SGF friends (and fbk friends) back home who, despite the distance, are there to offer a kind word), thoughts of friends back home and my AMAZING REFRESH/FELLOWSHIP kids who I miss so much and think of everyday (seriously, thoughts of you all ALWAYs make my day brighter), whether it was introducing me to two new friends in the program who ARE out of college, STAYING IN KOREA, and are PAST all the drama (I love you guys, shout out to 데이지씨 and 잭씨!! ^_~ you two have been a blessing for me), whether it was walking through Hongdae, hearing a band, walking over, and then realizing it was a worship band singing HILLSONG, whether it was finding a Korean-English bible, worshipping my heart out through song and tears and experiencing your presence at Church, getting opportunities to talk about You to others, whether a stranger walking me all the way home when it was late and I was tired and lost, to a new Korean dad in a cell phone store or a sweet girl covering me with an umbrella and helping me with my luggage on my arrival lost in Seoul, or simply to the sweet blessing of such kind Korean friends like JiHae who takes care of me and is there when I need help and encouragement, someone I can laugh with and explore with, and just spend quality time with~~~~God, you have been there in it all!


And let me tell you, I definitely feel the change today. Thank you, Lord! I feel a renewed excitement for the language and with learning (shout out to my new language partner, Ji Woong, who reminded me that "Hey, don't worry or think too much. Korean is FUn!"~~which, btw, can you all be praying for him~~His grandfather just passed away. T.T). With my teachers giving me extra work and even special 1-1 tutoring on the side, I am ready to get back into being serious about things and a good student ^_~. I am going to smile, even when I may not feel it (and with all this gloomy weather, bad flooding, death rates rising, seeing the sun sure wouldn't hurt in helping that. **Prayers for Korea!**), and I am going to be in the Word even more now than ever. As Nicholas Sparks writes it, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want You. I want ALL of You, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday" (emphasis, mine). Granted, this quote is from The Notebook, but I emphasize it as a promise to between myself and God. It is true~~it's NOT going to be easy, and I WILL have to work at this everyday, but I want ALL of Him and want to glorify all of Him. 


As seemed fitting as I began this journey to Asia, I wanted to read on the experiences, struggles, and ways to overcome by someone who has gone through something similar...so I turned myself to 2 Corinthians, and I will be meditating on this book for quite some time. To end this out, I would like to share with you some words of wisdom I am holding to during this time (emphasis and paraphrase, mine)~~ As if said as my OWN prayer~~~


~~~"Praise be to the God and Father of my Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
WHO COMFORTS ME IN ALL MY TROUBLES, SO THAT I can comfort those in ANY trouble with the comfort I myself first received from God.
For just as the SUFFERINGS of Christ flow over into my life, so also through Christ my comfort overflows...And my hope for you, my Beloved friends, is firm, because I know that just as you share in my sufferings, so also you share in my comfort.
I do not want you to be uninformed, dear friends, about the hardships I suffered in the province of Asia. Indeed, away from you and feeling so alone, my heart felt the sentence of death. BUT THIS HAPPENED THAT I MIGHT NOT RELY ON MYSELF BUT ON GOD, WHO RAISES THE DEAD.
He HAS delivered me from even more such deadly peril before, and He WILL deliver me. On Him I have set my hope that He WILL CONTINUE to deliver me, AS YOU HELP ME BY YOUR PRAYERS. Then MANY WILL GIVES THANKS on my behalf for the GRACIOUS FAVOR GRANTED me IN ANSWER TO THE PRAYERS OF MANY."~~~2 Corinthians 1: 3-11